Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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