I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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