I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
