I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
