ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize