I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You took a bar mat shot.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
