If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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