I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
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