I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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