I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
