you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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