too bad you live with your parents still
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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