After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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