omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
