You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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