Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I have tasted many bathrooms
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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