Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
