I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Randomize
