the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
