I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
