dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Randomize
