Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
