probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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