I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
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