did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
