I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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