I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize