he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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