Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
