Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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