I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Too much gin, very little bucket
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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