idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
