I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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