You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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