Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize