his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
