Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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