I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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