I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
