She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
