it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
