Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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