he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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