I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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