My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
