This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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