oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
grandma shit on top of the toilet
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
