I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
