I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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