so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
