Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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