Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize