I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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