pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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