Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
