sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize