Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
