i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
