why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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