Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
