I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So vagazzling was a success
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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