so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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