I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
How does one acquire holy water?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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