Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
