Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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